This is an amateur, non-commercial story, which is not produced, approved of, or in any way sponsored by the holders of the trademarks/copyrights from which this work is derived, nor is it intended to infringe on the rights of these holders. And so it goes.


a Buckaroo Banzai Tale by Mary Morris

It had been a month since the Lectroid affair, and life had settled back into what passed for a normal routine at the Banzai Institute. Which was probably a good thing, reflected Buckaroo Banzai wearily as he settled himself into the overstuffed chair in his private office. The whole business had been undeniably fascinating, but exhausting. There had been some interesting personal benefits as well; if not the informed and erudite companion that Peggy had been, Penny was certainly fascinating in her own right ... not to mention sexy as all get-out. He still wasn’t getting much sleep, but that was a problem that was NOT due to insomnia.

He sighed as he considered the latest crises. A small flu epidemic seemed to have taken root at the Institute, putting some of their most important people out of circulation. It had probably come in with Penny; she’d been the first affected. Norse and Pecos had followed in short order, along with others. Most importantly, Mrs. Johnson had caught it too, which left the Institute archives and affairs in a nasty state of disarray, indeed. Buckaroo had been reduced to calling those hospitals he retained staff privileges at to find out when he was scheduled to perform surgery, and on whom.

Of course, it was quite possible that he might have been doing so anyway. When she’d heard about the incident between himself and Penny on the bus, Mrs. Johnson had been royally pissed off, for reasons that seemed, to him, to be totally unreasonable. Yes, they’d been more than intimate more than a few times; to his thinking, though, that didn’t entitle her to exclusive rights ... the three-cornered catfight that had resulted between himself and the two women had already entered itself into Institute legend.

He looked up to find New Jersey standing in the doorway to his office, holding a sheaf of papers in his trembling hands.

"Does this door have a lock on it?" the tall Doctor inquired nervously, fumbling at the handle. "Never mind, I’ve got it...Buckaroo, we need to talk about this flu thing."

Buckaroo nodded for his friend to continue, sure that a decent reason for his behavior would be forthcoming.

New Jersey paced in front of his desk a few times, then abruptly turned and threw the sheaf of test results in front of the other man. "It’s not the flu," he said tersely in response to his friend’s quizzical stare.

Buckaroo picked up the papers and began to flip through them idly as New Jersey continued. "It’s worse ... much worse," the tall surgeon noted glumly.

Buckaroo was about to mutter something reassuring when the import of the printed results suddenly hit him. "Pregnant?!" he gasped, feeling as if held been kicked very hard somewhere around the stomach region.

"Every single woman at the Institute who had sex anytime during that period you were ionized - it spreads out to 48 hours leeway either way actually - and then got anywhere within a quarter mile of you." Sidney collapsed into a chair, his expression grim. "This includes Big Norse, Pecos, Mrs. Johnson, Penny, three different interns that Tommy knows somewhat better than he’s been letting on, Little Red from the infirmary... practically every female Institute member that hasn’t been living like a nun. Also that correspondent from CBS that Perfect Tommy apparently picked up right after the jet car test... 11 Sidney paused. "And you’re gonna love this - Professor Hikita’s new lab assistant, the one he’s been doing all that late-night work in the chemistry lab with? Her too."

Buckaroo put his head down on his desk and groaned. He couldn’t cope with this.

Sidney continued. "Apparently the ionization field included some kind of super-fertility side effect..."

Buckaroo imagined what Penny and Mrs. Johnson would do to him and to each other when they found out.

"And they’re all due exactly eight months from now." New Jersey finished joylessly. "I sure hope this Institute of yours has good maternity coverage ... you’re gonna need it."

For a moment, Buckaroo contemplated the thought of calling Hanoi Xan up and asking if he had any openings. His train of thought was abruptly broken by the sound of feet running down the hallway outside his office door. Fascinated, he watched the handle jiggle as the lock was picked frantically from the other side. Faintly, he could hear loud angry female voices getting closer.

Perfect Tommy all but fell into the room, slammed the door shut, and relocked it so rapidly that the tumblers must have been smoking inside the mechanism. The voices were directly outside the door now, and someone had started pounding forcefully on the solid oak. Tommy panted for a minute as he leaned against the door, then smiled weakly at the other two men.

"Do either of you guys know a lawyer that’s good with paternity suits? I seem to have this little problem..."

Buckaroo Banzai slumped back into his chair, his mind idly calculating just how long the 5-pound bag of M&M in the bottom drawer of his desk would last divided among the three of them.

It was going to be an interesting eight months, indeed.